Have You Heard This One
Friday, April 08, 2005
Difference between men and women
The difference between men and women in one paragraph: A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies "BITCH." They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Seeing-eye dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he then offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt."
Blonde Jokes
A blonde was at a company picnic. She won a thermos, but didn't know what it was or did. She asked someone and they replied "a thermos keeps cold things cold and hot things hot." She went to work the next day and showed her boss, also a blonde. Her boss asked what it was and the blonde replied, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss then asked what was in it and the blonde replied, "Hot chocolate and a popsicle."
Q. What do blondes and cow shit have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!
Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.
Q. Why do blondes smile at lightning?
A. They think their picture is being taken!
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Too Stupid
This was evidence used in a case, where a woman sued a technical support representive. It's a transcription of the recording between the teech guy, and the woman (whose names have not been included to protect their privacy).
Tech: "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
Woman: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Tech: "What sort of trouble?"
Woman: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Tech: "Went away?"
Woman: "They disappeared."
Tech: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Woman: "Nothing."
Tech: "Nothing?"
Woman: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Tech: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Woman: "How do I tell?"
Tech: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
Woman: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Tech: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Woman: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Tech: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Woman: "What's a monitor?"
Tech: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Woman: "I don't know."
Tech: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Woman: "Yes, I think so."
Tech: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Woman: "Yes, it is."
Tech: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Woman: "No."
Tech: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Woman: "Okay, here it is."
Tech: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Woman: "I can't reach."
Tech: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Woman: "No."
Tech: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Woman: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Tech: "Dark?"
Woman: "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Tech: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Woman: "I can't."
Tech: "No? Why not?"
Woman: "Because there's a power failure."
Tech: "A power... A power failure? Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Woman: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Tech: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Woman: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Tech: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Woman: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Tech: "Tell them you're too !@#$ing stupid to own a computer."
A soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to him breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following: "I Regret that I cannot remember which one is yours ... please keep your photo and return the others."
Who are you
I'm the Jeffrey's clerk!
Take the Jimmy Fallon recurring SNL character quiz here.
created by
stomps.
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Jokes
A guy walks into a bar and hands the bartender a bottle labled Smart Pills.
He eats one and says, "I don't feel any smarter." He tries another one, then another one, and then he finally eats a handful. "Hey these taste like rabbit shit!"
To which the man replies, "See, you're getting smarter already."
The husband of a lady walked into the doctors office as the doctor was having sex with her. "Heh whats going on?" he demanded!
"I'm just taking her temperature" the doctor replied.
As the husband drew his pistol he said "When you take that thing out it better have numbers on it!"
What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
What's the definition of rude? When you open your refrigerator and your rump roast farts in your face
Thursday, February 24, 2005
War on Perverts
How about a war on perverts I know it’s not as profitable as drugs but it would be a war the people could get behind? I would donate time and money to help eradicate child molesters, abductors and pedophiles and the likes.
The fist thing I would work towards is seeing that they never get out of jail once they’re convicted beyond a shadow of a doubt, and to that I mean proof positive. Why does the judicial system think that it’s curable? These people get off on it, they enjoy it and yet back on the street they go.
Look how long it took to get the Amber Alert it’s a shame we didn't have it a few decades ago imagine how many kids might have been saved.
How about stings like the ones they use to catch crack heads, pot dealers and bicycle thieves oh ya and those dreaded prostitutes and their johns. These are problems that could take care of themselves for instance give crack heads all the crack they want and soon no more stealing and as for the pot problem its worse then we thought ya right where are all the pot babies? Well will come back to that after they fix the alcohol problem. Prostitution! Legalize it that would take it indoors and off the streets and don't forget to tax it.
Seriously folks if people weren't paranoid of things like the aforementioned, society would be more open and these perverts would stand out like a turd in a punch bowl.
